Missed So Much
by BookCaseGirl
Summary: All in Blair's point of view, this angsty piece is about her missing Chuck. The feelings are intense and overwhelming; if you're a happy person in general, it isn't reccomended that you read this. If you like angst, then you'll love this. ONESHOT.


**Author's Note: **I didn't really bother with any of the usual stuff that I do. I needed to dispel of this feeling before I tried to write one _hell_ of a fluff chapter to finish off "A Week With Chuck..." with a resonance being left in its place. I guess I'll let everyone know right now, I plan on having it up a bit later than normal; I will give an arm and a leg to make the last chapter great just because I had so much fun and all the reviews I got were so incredibly encouraging. This is totally a rant and I'll just let you read my pathetic angst...Oh yeah, this is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my fault.

**Disclaimer: **The only thing I own in this story is the feelings of mine that I put into it. Gossip Girl is not part of that, which is probably best ;).

_Missed So Much_

Blair could feel herself sink deeper into her mattress from the weight of the sorrow and sadness she felt. She had never missed anyone with so much passion in her entire life. Pictures of his smirking face, his husky and sexy-as-hell voice narrating each photo that flashed by in her mind – all of these things were killing her inside.

She had never missed anyone this much.

Blair missed Chuck. She missed his warmth, his wit, even his sarcasm and generally mean attitude. He was her male counter part and she didn't feel complete without him there.

So she felt herself sink deeper, going farther into the black hole that was sure to fully envelop her at some point. She could look as far as her eyes would let her – off into a distant clearing of trees, or as close as at the bookshelf in her room – and all Blair could see was him. Everything was Chuck Bass. Everything represented him, his soul, his entire being.

This was what love felt like, she knew it. Love hurt, it cut deeply. That was the only love she would ever feel with Chuck, for he was scorned beyond repair. She had wanted to fix him – oh, how she wanted to make him all better so they could...- but no, he never had any of it.

And now Chuck was gone. Blair had never felt as much remorse and regret in her life. She felt like she had wasted an entire year and a half – such a long period of time just trying to get him to change for her. He would never change though. He was Chuck Bass, the rich boy who – though people rarely knew this – was far beyond his years in knowledge and wisdom, but chose to exploit every right he had in a childish fit of rebellion.

She was so utterly despondent that tears were not within reach. She just kept sinking, falling, careening downwards. There had once been a time in her life when she would have desired to fix this, when she would have wanted a solution.

But now, it was the only way she felt close to Chuck. The closer she got to the bottom, the more she thought of him, of how he treated her; and the more she thought about how it could have been right and proper for him to talk to her the way he did, to sometimes touch her in ways that would have been forbidden by any other man because of the lewd nature.

She had never missed anyone so much.

Looking back on her past, ahead to her future, all she could see was Chuck. He was everywhere, everything in her life, yet nowhere and nothing. She could reach out to touch him, and only moments later a pathetic sob wretched from the back of her throat when her hand – by accord of her insane mind – came in contact with clear and empty air.

Isolated from the real things in her life, she had become solitary, though Chuck was always there. He was always in the room, like a big pink elephant. So why the hell did she miss him so goddamn much?

It pulled at every curve of her stomach, yanked on the fragile and beaten strings of her heart. Most of all, it brought Blair closer to that bottom that the sane part of her knew was detrimental, but the not so sane part craved so extremely.

That darkness had voices, beckoning her to come closer; what she was looking for was right there.

So maybe she wouldn't miss him so much anymore. Because he would be right there; he could fall into her grasp and she could finally feel a real person – the only real person she chose to acknowledge – touch her and caress her.

She had never missed a person's presence - the brushes of their hands, the brief glances from their eyes – so very much.

This emotion – missing someone – was so utterly painful that sometimes she buckled over in bed, staring blankly out the window. There were times when she begged for the pain to come back, because it was another thing that made her feel as if she were being drawn closer to Chuck. Like he was merely a few centimeters away, but always out of her grasp. And if she just kept that feeling there, maybe he would stop moving and she could catch up.

Blair had never missed someone so much in her entire life.

Her mother was gone constantly, always a vacillating, unstable role model. Harold left – and the time that had passed seemed like so long. It seemed like it had been years, centuries, since she had seen her father.

Serena left her, giving up. _Best friends aren't supposed to do this!_ She vaguely recalled saying. As she remembered that afternoon when Serena had walked out on her for good, she smiled. It was a real smile, though maniacal and deranged feelings were laced through each small tug of her lips that made the sign of happiness bigger.

This was all she had left. That sinking, the diving down deep into a darkness that she ached for more and more with each second that ticked by on the clock that she honestly did even hear anymore.

All that existed was him, the way he had once made her feel. Sure she knew that deep down he would be upset he was causing her this much pain and insanity, but he wasn't here was he? She let herself feel what she felt, when she wanted to feel it. She was Blair _Fucking –_ God, it felt good to use that word to replace her middle name; oddly liberating – Waldorf. No one screwed with her anymore.

She had _never_ missed anyone this much. Not _ever_.

And so she sank farther and farther, not looking back. Blair was being sucked down, no one caring enough to give her a choice. She didn't care enough to have a choice. She loved Chuck Bass, and she missed him so much that it caused her the most implausible agony and a terribly unbearable feeling of helplessness.

She had never missed anyone this much.

But Blair wouldn't have to live with it much longer.

**Author's Note: **I was lying in my own bed, feeling myself sink. And I feel the best way to get rid of really bad feelings is to put yourself into your writing, like you're sending a part of you – in my case, a very angsty and upset part – away with the finishing of a story. I know it was so angsty, and I almost think it was a little repetitive. So let me know what you think – good or bad.


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